Okay, so, real talk, guys. This blog will no longer be active. I’ve explained a lot of the reasons before, but I’m gonna go through some again, and add extra stuff, just to leave on here.
Easter 2010 I was a very broken person. I literally couldn’t cope with anything. And when I heard All Time Low during one of those two weeks, I felt this instant love, instant safety in their sound. And for the next four years, they’d play a huge part in me staying afloat. They were these four simple guys who were funny, sincere, talented, attractive - everything I needed to cling to at that point in time. Something to give me hope. Something that I could relate to and keep and have as mine forever. Their music, their love, them.
From Easter 2010, things mostly got worse for me. I was a total mess. I couldn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel, but I kept hanging on and I guess part of that was because of All Time Low. I found acceptance in what they said, joy in what they did, and friends in their fanbase. We all seemed just as upset with life as each other, and I found comfort in that.
Fast forward to October 2012, and I hit complete rock bottom. Nothing made me happy. Everything was dark, everything hurt, nothing was pulling me out. I did so much stuff to myself that I’m not proud of and that I regret and that I have to live with for the rest of my life as petty pink marks that pepper my body, but I’m so glad I found a way out. And for once, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel because I looked in the right place for it.
I looked to myself. Lame as it is, one night I literally told myself I was going to be happy. I’d spent the whole of 2013 wanting to die, just wishing something, anything would kill me because I didn’t have the courage to kill myself. But then I realised; I didn’t have to be sad. If I decided to be happy, I could. If I stopped dwelling in everything from my past, I could build a future. So that’s what’s happening.
I began indulging myself in what I loved; country music, Supernatural, nutella, cute clothes, my regular hair colour - everything I thought I couldn’t love once upon a time because ‘bandom’ had taught me that to be accepted you had to throw yourself into your favourite band completely, you had to wear these dark clothes and skinny jeans else you were a ‘wannabe’, you had to dye your hair crazy colours and have piercings and tattoos and stretchers to be seen as attractive. I slowly began realising that was never me. I was trying to conform to a group of people I didn’t belong with. They bitched and moaned about all other styles of music having the judgemental, nasty listeners, when really, it was the same for them.
I’m not saying everyone I ever met was horrible. I still talk to a lot of my friends I’ve made from loving All Time Low. I’ve just noticed how much happier and more content I am now that I see myself as my own person. My music doesn’t define me. Sure, I love Taylor Swift, and she’s my favourite musician now, but it doesn’t mean I have to live and breathe her. Same for Supernatural; that has been my favourite thing since I was 9, but I never felt compelled to make it who I was - and I think that’s why it’s lasted in my life for so long.
Right now, I love where I am. Sure, I listen to the same three artists on repeat for the most part, and watch the same two TV shows over and over, but I’m happy. I’m okay. And that’s come from me leaving what I know behind. Bandom felt a lot like school, where there was a definite social hierarchy and I just can’t be bothered to be a part of that any longer, especially as the music that put me in it is just not what I’m into any more. And I feel like this is pushing me into the future I want - leaving the UK and heading to America and chasing my dream and not being afraid to do that because maybe, just maybe, I’ll make it. Change is good.
I’m sad that any of this is true, really. I wish I still loved it here. I wish I still loved All Time Low. But lately I’ve just been so much happier being surrounded by Supernatural (not that their fanbase is much nicer on the whole, but people actually talk to me, and they’re all lovely when they do. Plus the “you should die bcos you ship wincest” asks don’t phase me when I’m this content with who I am). I realised that this whole All Time Low thing is a part of my life that’s over. It hurts. Not gonna lie, I’ve cried about it several times. And I will still support them in everything they do. However, I just can’t have a blog about them any more. The passion just isn’t there. The three years I’ve had this blog have been awesome, but really, I should’ve stopped the q-tip when there was resistance, because now I’m leaving this blog in disrepair and I hate that.
So this blog will still be here. I’ll delete all my personal posts, pictures, etc, but the other stuff can stay. Eventually I’ll lose all my followers and that’s okay, but I need this blog here for me, just as a reminder that I can get myself out of tough places in my life and move forward to happier ones (my new main blog being the happy ending, how much of a dork am I).
If you read all of this I’m hella sorry it was boring and probably offensive to you but whatever. I’m doing this for me. I’m the most important person in my life, and that’s how it should be. So, possibly for the last time, goodbye, y’all. You rock.